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Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
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8:27 am - fuck me.
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school started.
fuck the bitches.
whatever it fucking takes.
my dad finally understands;
good or bad?
my moms pills, yum.
but they found out.
grandma&grandpa, gone forever.
never having to relive those
moments ever again.
therapy part II?
in the process of
making it happen.
boyfriend drama?
minimal in comparison.
i miss them; very much.
pretending everything is okay
is something i'm accustomed to;
i just can't do it to this magnitude,
i'm about to internally combust.
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| Monday, June 19th, 2006
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6:38 pm
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i don't know what the fuck i ever did to you.
if you want to push me out of your life,
you're doing a great job at it.
just tell me, why do you have to keep me guessing
one minute, everything is fine, the next, its like what the fuck?
i used to call you one of my best friends,
now i don't even know if you even care anymore.
if you don't care, just tell me and i'll stop wasting my time trying.
go ahead and push me out of your life,
i just wish you wouldn't be such a bitch about it.
i just want it all to be good again, but i guess no matter what,
you always have to make someone feel like shit.
don't get all butthurt about this either if you even fucking care
because look around you, its true.
i can't even fucking be there for you, you won't even fucking let me.
i haven't done shit to you. stop pulling your fucking shit and just
tell me you don't want me in your life anymore,
you can't make it any more fucking obvious already.
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| Saturday, June 10th, 2006
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9:02 am
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kidney stones
trailor parks
divorce
myspace
obese whores
opinionated friends
cholesterol
blood pressure
fuck you if you want to make the list longer you selfish fucking bastards
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| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
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12:30 am
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its finally happening.
am i scared?
fuck yeah.
am i going to pretend i'm okay just one more time?
not this time.
this is different.
it changes everything.
the drifting is happening before my very eyes.
don't try to change the inevitable, just face it.
nothing will ever be the same.
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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10:25 am
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supposed to be who make my life easier, not harder
supposed to be who make me look forward to waking up, not dreading the next day
why does there always have to be someone?
why is this my turn?
i thought you would understand.
look at my fucking life.
sorry for think anyone was understanding.
thanks for building me up for until it really counted.
i don't need this shit.
but if i run away, i know i'll always look back,
with a slap in my face for finally doing something for myself.
i feel so alone,
i didn't expect you to fucking care either.
go ahead and bitch now.
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| Saturday, May 6th, 2006
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2:18 am - :)
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kidney stones,
high cholesterol,
high blood pressure,
divorce,
moving,
trailer parks,
change.
uncertainty,
insecurity,
not knowing,
life.
content with most,
incontent with few,
life goes on...
i love them,
they complete my life,
i'm happy with them.
realizing that i'm not in this alone,
makes it all worth while.
thank you.
thank you all. :)
[not knowing sometimes makes it all the more intrigueing]
current mood:  scared
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| Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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3:18 pm
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a change is coming,
i just don't know if i should welcome it with open arms or run far far away from it. i'll figure it out in time i guess :/
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| Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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11:05 am
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my vagina is on fire.
no stones have come out yet.
so done with the pain.
current mood: hurting
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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7:44 pm
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i have reached my breaking point.
i hate how i am stuck in this fucking routine that i call my life.
i can't go anywhere on my own.
i can't do anything i want to do.
i am always being watched, i am always being judged.
the worst part is that i cannot escape it. its embedded in me. its like everything that i want to do with my life is just a fantasy that i cannot fulfill no matter how hard i try. i do not want to look back at my life 20 years from now and know that i held back to what i could have really accomplished, and the only thing i have to look back at is the unfulfilled. i want to go out and make memories. i want to go out and have fun. not waste my fucking life away in the same pattern in which i can predict from a million miles away. i've become a downer and i used to be an upper. i used to have fun with my life. i used to be content. the only thing i am content with now is. the previous sentence is not a typo. i sat and thought about what i was content with for sometime and i could not think of anything. when i say content, i mean with me, my life. this has nothing to do with my friends family acquaintances or anyone else that breathes or doesnt breathe for that matter. i am not content with me. i have no voice. i have no purpose. i cannot stand up for myself without feeling selfdoubt. i was not always like this. i only became like this a short time ago. i used to be content with my life. i had purpose before. i used to be someone. i used to matter. i used to wake up with no doubt. no regrets. not anymore. my purpose is nonexistent. i am no one. just another person. if i died, it would affect only the few who actually care. i need to start doing things for myself. i cannot please other people and be pleasant to be around if i myself are not happy. i need to find who i am and what my purpose is. i need to stop putting off the important things in life. i need to start living again. going out isn't living. just because you leave your house doesn't mean you have somewhere to go. as soon as you step out of the door, you might have left the only place that welcomes you.
to be expected of so much, comes to a price. it will bite you in the ass one day if you do not keep up with it. it caught up to me a long time ago. i have just become numb from it, but i cannot go on like this anymore. what makes me happy might be peculiar to others, but this isn't about them.
no more holding back,
no more caring,
more living.
there has to be more to life than this,
i don't need a map, im finding it on my own.
-mary rose simkins
current mood:  contemplative
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| Sunday, January 29th, 2006
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6:20 pm - so effing done.
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alright, so im so sick and tired of this bullshit. im so pissed at everything and i don't need people's unnesscessary shit to go along with it. i have my own problems, REAL PROBLEMS. they aren't stupid fucking high school oriented problems that people fucking overreact to. i fucking have reasons to overreact. hes never fucking home. she thinks shes going to die tomorrow. im just here by myself trying to keep going. i can't talk about shit with people because no one understands. i love every single one of my friends because they are all i have. without them, i would just sit here wasting my life away. at least i have them. i don't understand why i'm even writing in here. its not like anyone is going to read this shit.
i am so sick and tired of people and their hypocracy. fucking bullshit about how they're so sad and shit blah blah blah and then they go and do the same shit to someone else that they're sad over. fucking shit. you're not god. you have no right to make other people's lives hell because you think they deserve it. seriously, stop it. btw, this isn't about any of my friends. this person doesn't have an lj so don't trip. im just pissed off that this person swears that everything is so bad, but then goes around and fucking makes other people's lives a living hell too. wtf dude? seriouisly get over youself.
friday, i went out with josh. it was seriously needed. i have never had a feeling of content until that day that i finally saw him after his two week punushment. i live that boy.
saturday, i picked up my dress in LA. i really like it and don't give a fuck waht anyone else thinks about it. then i went to alec's house. georgia molly josh ben brian nathan zack and demi went too. it was relaxing. i talked to josh about some important stuff i needed to get out of the way. but yeah.
i went to this tanning place today. my tan is alright i guess. im goign back before formal. im going to hooters tonight with my parents because i want to check out the place i'm going to have my party at. i really hope that its fun. i don't want to have a lame party, seriously. but whatever, i hope everything works out.
♥
current mood:  bitchy
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| Monday, January 2nd, 2006
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5:23 pm
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mary_says_hi's journal